You know what? Fuck it. I am a girl who has suffered from dissociation, depression, anxiety, panic attacks self hatred you name it. In fact let’s amalgamate it all into the term *it. And not so long ago there was a time where I had let *it consume the entirely of my life. A whopping 100%. Every single moment. Asleep or awake, there was never any escape. But I worked so damn hard to fight it, up until it left me for good, up until I was good as ever. But sometimes it likes to make an appearance. It likes to taunt me with a few days or weeks of self-
loathing and solitude and fear and I promise you it loves it. And so maybe I’ve worked hard to keep it at bay so it’s only 15% of my life. Maybe 20 sometimes 10. But I am so fucking done with it trying to drag me back down to hell. I am so done with the 20% of it that makes me forget about the 80% of the time that I’m me. I am so finished with being completely not me. And I’m so angry that I’m so consumed with it and how it makes me feel like nothing again. I am NOT nothing. I am something. No matter how much I don’t believe that sometimes. I am surrounded by friends who love me, who don’t see it in me. I am tired of being tired. Tired of avoiding mirrors and straining smiles at myself and overthinking and trying to fix me with the belief that I’ll fail. And then failing. Right NOW. Right THIS SECOND I AM SO FUCKING OVER PESSIMISM. No matter how shit I feel, I will balance it with a positive. I WILL NOT AND AM NOT MAKING A PLAN TO FAIL ANYMORE.
And I know tomorrow morning I might wake up and forget some of this. So it’s going here, and it’s going to stay and I’m going to read this until my eyes bleed out my fear and the stench of strength seeps out of my goddamn pores. in this moment. THIS MOMENT, I am freeing myself from this trap.


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